It’s been a rough week. Most women can attest to the fact that when one is entertaining a particularly difficult visit from Aunt Flo, finding motivation to rise from the couch, let alone actually leave the house to go to the gym and work out, is a nearly impossible task. The gym doesn’t have heating pads, unlimited carbs, and a big blanket to hide the bloat. In addition to my physical reluctance to work out, my mental focus has been clouded by my dog Ripley’s horrific knee injury and my subsequent nursing of said injury. Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit. It’s more like a slightly torn or stretched ligament causing a slight limp, but she’s an adorable Chocolate Labrador! You would be preoccupied with her overall happiness too if you were me!
I was faced with choices all week long: Leave my adorable Sweet Pea alone at home with only my husband and three other pets to keep her calm and entertained, risking her very life and well-being just to burn a few calories all the while having the overwhelming desire to slap total strangers and then burst into tears...or…stay at home and cuddle with my baby girl on the couch, her big old noggin resting on my lap as I endure labor-like cramps and period-induced agoraphobia. I think the choice is obvious. Tell me you’d do it differently and you’ll go to hell for lying.
I was also suffering from a bit of sleep deprivation due to Ripley’s snoring, and as you very well know, it is not safe to exercise while sleep deprived. The US Government says so. Even when I’m not PMS-ing, I am borderline maniacal after repeated attempts to quell the chain saw night after night. Ever see that movie “Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan?” That’s me after being awakened from my REM sleep by amplified snorts for the umpteenth time…KHAAAAAAANNNN! Ripley normally does snore on occasion, but the Class 4 Narcotics she was given for her ACL injury have a tranquilizer affect, thereby softening the gullet and causing a more chronic buzz. It’s maddening, and even fresh ear plugs and white noise don’t help. And I know what you are thinking. No, I didn’t kick her. Not intentionally (it was dark!).
I did make it to the gym finally on Saturday and managed to improve my interval speed on the treadmill. 4.5MPH for the sprint and 3.0 for the recovery for 30 minutes, YEAH, BABY! After another half hour on the elliptical, I was hungry enough to eat at Arby’s. For me, that’s really, really, really hungry because Arby’s is disgusting. I think I could possibly tolerate Arby’s if they would just use real meat, milk-based cheese, and fresh buns. Alas, none of the above. After my workout I didn’t go to Arby’s even though I was hungry enough to eat there. Instead, I went straight home and had my normal breakfast of a boiled egg and small bowl of Kashi. Even cinnamon-flavored cardboard tastes mighty good when you are hungry enough to eat at Arby’s.
On Sunday I decided to throw all caution to the wind and do a Kettlebell workout. If you aren’t aware, a kettlebell is a round weight with a handle that you use in exercises that combine strength training and cardio. I have pooh-poohed the kettlebell concept for some time now, but after reading an article that claimed you could burn 30% more calories with a Kettlebell workout than with a standard strength/cardio routine, I figured it was for me. The common kb workout consists of a complex movement repeated for 60 seconds followed by a recovery period, much like my interval torture on the treadmill. Which I like, because it means I only have to exert myself for a short period of time and then I can just stand around and think about Easter candy for a minute or so. Easter candy is evil. There is nothing more tempting to me than fresh, milk-chocolaty Cadbury Eggs. They taunt me from the grocery aisle and it takes all of my German/Polish stamina to resist. But I have a work-around. Just when I am about to give in and fill my cart with one or fourteen eggs, I imagine them covered in Arby’s filler-meat and liquid cheese product. Suddenly, no craving. Works great.
Yeah, I can’t stand Arby’s. But I digress.
I did about 30 minutes of kettlebell intervals with a 10-lb and 15-lb weight and was surprised at how easy it seemed. My favorite was the two-armed swing, which involves squatting down as if to drop the kids off at the pool, swinging the kettlebell down between the legs, then swinging out and up to eye level in a controlled movement. Most of the exercises involved some sort of squat action. After finishing all of my sets, I was pretty cocky about how well I did. I was sweating like a pig, but didn’t feel like it was too much of a challenge.
Uh…yeah. And then it was the next day. Have you ever done about 1432 squats in 30 minutes? Let’s just say that even now, two days later, I am using my arms to lower myself onto the toilet. PAIN! When your squats are performed in small doses followed by endorphin-like images of chocolate bunnies, you don’t really realize how much you worked them out. Be forewarned. I am hoping to be able to bend my legs enough to maneuver stairs by Friday.
Last night I made the decision to skip today’s weigh-in and wait for the backup on Thursday. Given the estimated 15-lb water weight gain from my monthly punishment, I figured I would be in much better shape if I waited a day or two. Almost as if on cue…this morning I was in the loo no less than 8 times with a full bladder. I am not at all joking. I tinkled before I left home in the AM, then for the first time EVER I had to stop in the lobby bathroom at work upon entering the building because I was nearly doubled over from the bladderial pressure. I made that word up, by the way.
I went again within 15 minutes, another trip just before a 2-hour meeting, then twice DURING the meeting (thankfully I was on a conference line and no one paged me during my absence). A few more times before lunch and I it didn’t even end then. And it’s not a sensitive bladder issue, my friends. I am talking full-on Austin Powers drain every time. I experience this every single month, I could almost set my watch on it…hmmm, day 5 after onset of menses? Start pee marathon in 5…4….3….2…1…
So it wasn’t stellar, but after a few more trips to the bathroom I’ll be able to face the scale. Wish me luck…
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